Living in the...

It seems like nearly every conversation I have lately involves my plans post graduation; as if a Masters Degree somehow equates with being complete and having life all figured out. The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach was named today while at breakfast with a dear friend. "It seems like you're waiting for a lot. That can be great. That's where we learn the most." Hmm... My friend's simple summation of my life caused me to ponder the waiting. I am living in the dot, dot, dot. An ellipsis is my home...and while I'm not yet ready to buy new throw pillows and pick out the paint swatches, I'm learning to settle in.

What good can come of waiting?
Most people (including myself) physically contort at the mere mention of the word patience. It's something cross stitching, front porch rocking, sweet tea sipping grandmas possess. It's passive, it's boring, and perhaps most frustrating of all, it's elusive. I recently heard a sermon by Tim Keller that threw my definition of waiting into oblivion. Without reducing Keller's sermon to a hacked Cliff's Notes version, I want to share a few things that really hit home. Waiting is NOT passive. Keller lays out 5 deliberate ACTIONS to be patient. Action? Yes! This is something I can get behind.

#1. Wait with Humility.
We have trouble waiting because we assume we know what we're waiting for and that it's way better than where we currently find ourselves. How do we know? What if the dot, dot, dot is better? Keller implores us to make a savvy vote for our own personal growth. If we are all completely honest with ourselves, the times of growth are in the waiting; they are in the process and in the journey, not in the destination. Ugh. I know, I know. It's not fun, but it's true. Next time you're tempted to reach for the remote control of life and hit the fast forward button, think about what you could learn and how you could be drawing closer to God in the midst of the waiting.

#2. Wait with Perspective.
This is huge for me. My perspective is limited and clouded with pain, emotional baggage, and desire. Not unlike seeing a tiny corner of a Monet painting, our lives look messy and don't even vaguely resemble the masterpiece that God sees. When we wait with perspective we actively choose to put the waiting in perspective to God's glory and believe that nothing will ever compare to it.

#3. Wait with Obedience.
"If you get nothing out of trying to pray everyday, I can assure you you will get nothing by not praying". - Keller paraphrasing John Newton
Sometimes I want just a small glimpse that all this waiting will be worth it someday. I want proof. Show me proof God...even though you have proven yourself faithful time and time before in my life, I need to see it in this specific situation. And like a spoiled child, I pout in indifference and waver in my ability to continue in prayer. Keller talked about waiters and waitresses and ladies in waiting. All of these vocations involve service. The 'serving' is essential to the 'waiting'. To wait on someone is to serve them. And Jesus did this for us. During his last supper with his disciples, he served them literally. And while He was 'waiting' for the death that was to come in hours and he was obedient in serving us...even in that death. Yes, but I'm not Jesus. It's hard to be obedient. It was hard for him too. Sheesh. He asked God if somehow it didn't have to be this way, but if it did, he would do it obediently. Because I am a cheesy girl, I think of a classic chick flick, Sleepless in Seattle. Tom Hanks' character has lost his wife and he is on the phone with some quack of a psychologist on a national radio program. She asks him what he is going to do and his response is simple. "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out." I love this picture of obedience. It's hard, but when we do it, we don't have to remind ourselves to do it. I think God steps in and helps us to be obedient to him. We are transformed by being obedient.

#4. Wait on God God-centrically.
Ouch. This one hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like a cartoon character getting squished by an anvil of conviction. I will wait...as long as I know I am waiting for God's blessings in my life. I am waiting for the job, the husband, the greatness he has for me. I am not waiting on God simply for who He is and loving Him. My love (and ability to wait) is conditional. I will wait and trust and love you if...you give me a,b,and c. God is Holy. God is worthy. He is. He deserves my loyalty even when he is giving me nothing (or it appears that way). The Israelites were perfect examples of people who were given everything by God and yet they had to wait and wait and wait. God gave them everything they needed to live and promised them an even more abundant life and yet they still couldn't wait. They didn't delight in God, they were delighting in what He could give them. Hmmm...sounds familiar.

#5. Wait on God Joyfully.
When I was a child, my bedroom was directly above a three-season porch. In the summer after my family was asleep, I would quietly open my window, carefully unscrew the screen and crawl through the opening and sit on the roof of the porch for hours. I would stare at the stars and will a shooting star to appear so I could make a wish. I would sing songs and dream and just be. I knew that my life had just begun and I had many years ahead of me. I was waiting for so much and yet I anticipated it all with joy. Now that I am older and I've seen more brokenness and pain, I've also witnessed the redemptive power of God in people's lives and the joy and hope the gospel brings. Joy can be found in a summer night staring at the stars praying to a God that has redeemed you. So I will choose to focus on Him and not my circumstance.

So, I have to get going...because I have to go...and wait. :-)

*sermon by Tim Keller "Waiting and Living by Faith" May 10, 2009. Redeemer Presbyterian Church
http://sermons.redeemer.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&product_ID=18940&ParentCat=6

The second Sunday in May

Maybe it's because I've worked in a church for the last 7 years of my life, but I'm acutely aware of Mother's Day every year and all the emotions wrapped up in it. It's like an awkward junior high dance to try and honor Mother's Day as a part of the Sunday service without acknowledging those for whom motherhood is an aching dream or those for whom memories of their own mother are extremely painful. I had a hard conversation with someone this morning. His wife left him with three children and today is especially difficult for their family. Ugh! How do we tend to those hearts as well as celebrate the moms out there? Too often we skip the celebration of Mother's Day altogether or throw it in as a quick mention. In an attempt to not injure the hearts of anyone, we retreat with our tails between our legs and our hands in the air all the while telling ourselves, “It’s for the best”. It's disappointing to me that as the church we can't seem to find a way to honor moms without scratching at the scab for others.

Now that I am approaching 32 and still single (read: not a mother), it makes me think of Mother’s Day a little differently. While I’m excited to be a mom someday, the tick-tock of my clock is certainly not loud enough currently to warrant any kind of an alarm (although I'd be lying if I said I was a stoic observer of the child dedications this morning at church). However, I realize I am a witness to a ton of amazing mothering. When I grew up, I had my mom – who was fabulous, and now I see my dear friends and family with children of their own and it’s pure joy to watch mothers be mothers. Another thing that I’ve begun to realize is, I have mothering skills too. It’s almost as if I get to fly in and be all the fun parts of mommy-ing without the disciplinary, not-so-glamorous and fun parts.


God our Mother?

Yes. And before you go all The Shack theology crazy on me, hear me out.

Isaiah 66:13 says, “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted in Jerusalem.”


Isaiah (as a prophet of God) uses the metaphor of comforting people like a mother. God knows how to comfort in a compassionate, all-encompassing, warm chocolate chip cookies and cold milk, kiss your scraped knee and apply a Care Bear band-aid way. He invented it. I know y'all might think Eve was the first mom, but where do you think she learned? C'mon! That means if we don’t have a mother or didn’t grow up with a mother like that, we have God.


What this also says to me, is that whether you are a mother or not, you can develop motherly traits. If we are made in God’s image, we should be living out His attributes. I doubt God wants us to compartmentalize mothering to those strictly in the mother role. That would be stifling greatness and He doesn’t do that, we do that. Plus, there are people out there who aren't being great mothers. Get it? It's not a role, it's a trait - and a gift.

So, if you are a great mom, we love you! THANK YOU for being a living example of God. Comfort and mother like you do. We need to boldly and sincerely celebrate mothers all year - not just on the second Sunday in May. And if you are aching to be a mother or have a mother that isn’t worthy of celebration, I apologize on behalf of the church and Hallmark for making your pain grow exponentially this time of year. My prayer is that you can think about the God who is your Mother. And Be the mother others need. You don’t have to be a birth mother to be a motherly presence in someone’s life.


p.s. Mom, thanks for the cookies and Care Bear band-aids. I love you.

Disappointment can be a four-letter word

Disappointment has four syllables yet it conjures responses consisting of one-syllable, four-letter words. It's frustrating, exhausting, cyclical, and painful. You feel like you've been had. You're the butt of some cosmic joke - except you don't get it. It's not even remotely funny.

Disappointment occurs when expectation and reality converge in a tangled mess of hurt. You've built something up in your head to be a certain way and when reality hits, it's more like a tidal wave than an ocean breeze. It knocks you off your feet and sends you reeling. I embarrassingly confess that I am a fairy tale type of person. I love stories. I love when the hero suddenly throws a punch at the villain unexpectedly right at the end when all hope had been lost. I hold firmly to that expectation that somehow good will prevail. My heart's desire will be fulfilled. After years and years of disappointment and unfulfilled expectations, I still am that girl...waiting, hoping, dreaming, believing.

So, should I tell myself to listen to history? To survey the tell-tale signs of the past only to give up and lower my expectations? Would I somehow be happier if I was pleasantly surprised when situations turned out well? or when people turned out to be better than who I thought they were? I don't want to live in a world like that. I don't want to think less of people just so when they rise to their true worth, I am stunned and amazed. I want to believe in more than that. I want to believe that God has more for us than low expectations.

As an almost therapist, I know that unmet expectations spell disaster for relationship. And while these words ring in my academic heart and I know how it plays out in interpersonal relationships, I hear another voice calling me to believe in something bigger. I choose to believe that people are better than their circumstances, better than their actions, better than maybe they even believe.

I think I'd rather take decades and decades of disappointment than a lifetime of low expectations, but you may hear some four-letter words come out of my mouth in that time waiting and dreaming and hoping.

Giving Thanks?

It's that time of the year when the marquee reads "Thanksgiving" and our hearts are encouraged to reflect on thankfulness. But can it be more than a directive? Can it be more than just a short burst of a holiday so easily overshadowed by parades, football games, and super savings with doorbuster deals? Please tell me it's more than the ringing of the ceremonial gong indicating the start of the holiday shopping season.

So what about the very first Thanksgiving? Images of Pilgrims and Indians sitting around a table of turkey and corn fill my head (well, that and a hand traced with crayon and colored to look like a turkey). What really happened and why do we set aside this one day and call it "Thanksgiving"? Arguably, the Cliff's Notes version sums up the new Pilgrims experience struggling to settle in Massachusetts and unable to make it through a tough season. The Indians saved the Pilgrims from starvation and showed them how to hunt, fish, and harvest food in America (hence, the picturesque scene around the table). The Pilgrims had nothing. Their basic needs were not being met.


I recently heard a phrase that went something like this: when your needs are high, your wants are low. If I need a glass a water like I need my breath, I probably won't be scouring the internet for that great new pair of boots. If I didn't have warm clothing in a MN winter, I wouldn't care if my jacket and hat clashed. Is the converse true? If our basic needs are met, do we always want more? How can we change our attitudes? How can we, those who live in a "land of plenty", choose to not want more? How can we be thankful for what we have and seek justice for those in need?

Luke 12:27-31 says, “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well."

I am thankful that God knows my needs and I want to develop an attitude that can be grateful without wanting. Content without looking forward to the promise of more. Trusting without meddling in His plans. And blessed without neglecting the needs of others.

Christian Celebrity?

In approximately 6 days I will technically be in the same room with the Donald Miller. Now, I recognize that for most people the mention of that name causes you to scratch your head in confusion and say to yourself, "Who?". That's because he is a Christian Celebrity. What does that even mean? The fact that I'm attempting to strategize my potential meeting with Mr. Miller six days in advance (which is totally warranted if you know me at all and my cheesiness) caused me to think about this whole concept of Christian Celebrity and why it even exists.

We tend to admire people who are saying the "next great thing". They've cornered the market on the next kitchy phrase or cool way of doing things or articulating faith. I wonder what dude coined the phrase WWJD? That gave him mileage for a few years in the 90's. I can hear it now, "Yeah, my neighbor is the guy who made up WWJD!". Ick! Even though it makes me want to vomit, I must admit the Christian Celebrity bug has bit me more than once. A few years ago when I was in youth ministry I was attending a National Youth Workers Convention. It was around the time when Shane Claiborne's book, Irresistible Revolution, was gaining momentum. I can remember bragging to my friends that I brushed passed his homemade hemp shirt on the way to the trade show floor. I think I could even smell his dreads. Really, Dana? You're gonna brag about that? He's just a dude. A pastor friend of mine has a man-crush on Robbie Seay and before you say man-crush?, just take some time to silently admit that you know what that is. We brought the Robbie Seay Band in for a free concert a few years ago that spawned a ministry of people giving themselves away (see Robbie Seay Band's song, "Give Yourself Away"). I watched as my pastor friend almost tripped over himself to get Robbie whatever he needed and smiled incessantly almost as if he couldn't believe Robbie was actually at our church.

But as much as I can retell these stories with sarcasm, here I am, doing the same thing with Donald Miller. I am actually trying to plan how I can say, "Hi" to him without seeming like a cheesy, ridiculous fan who mutters in a nasal voice, "Will you sign my book?". What is it about Christian Celebrities? What do we want that we think they have? What makes a Christian Celebrity? Have you made your pastor one? or maybe your worship pastor? What happens to God when we turn his people into celebrities?

p.s. I would totally brag if I ever grabbed a beer with N.T. Wright.

Welcome to the rest of your life?

I realize I have taken an extended hiatus from writing in my "oh so eloquent" blog. That phrase actually doesn't even make sense. How can something called a "blog" be eloquent? It sounds messy. It sounds unpolished and unrehearsed and unrefined. Not unlike how I feel these days. Let me explain...

I am just about to enter my third month of my practicum for my Marriage and Family Therapy masters degree. When I began this journey a little over three years ago, I was unrecognizable from the woman you'd meet today. The funny thing is, I thought I liked who I was. I thought I was fine. The last three years have completely broken me down and built me back up, or rather begun the process of building me back up. I couldn't have dreamed what this process what look like and how much I'd learn about people and systems and mental illnesses sure, but...about me. That is what really happened. Along the way God gave me the gift of discovering who I am. Let me be the first to say, it's scary, it's lonely, it's painful, but it's so worth it.

My previous posts seem to have a theme running through them. I like to tie them up with some cheesy bow that creatively utilizes a metaphor of how God loves us, works for the good, etc. The truth is, that is not how real life is. We are incomplete messes. In our mess God still says, "I want to be in relationship with you, YES YOU!" In our attempts to wear the mask we so frequently don we say, "But let me learn this lesson and pray about it and journal about it and apply it and...". God doesn't want us to be spinning our wheels in pretense. He likes us in process because that is where he gets the most glory. In our mess, He is revealed. That doesn't change the fact that we want the bow. We want the fancy overpriced metallic wrapping paper. We want to have it all figured out and be on to the next thing. Our desire to be complete and His desire to finish us is where we meet.

Where are you meeting God today? Or rather where is He meeting YOU?

I’m reading Don Miller’s new book. I feel like that in itself is a confession because I told myself I wasn’t allowed to break the binding until all my homework for the fall quarter was completed. I have one 10-page paper looming over me like an anvil from an old cartoon ready to fall and squish my head, so I thought I deserved a distraction. Whew! I feel better having confessed that and all.

Anyway, I write this because in the first few chapters Don discloses that his story isn’t interesting enough for a movie. I think most of us would agree that if our lives were displayed on a screen, there’d be a lot of dull (and embarrassing) moments. Remember, Jessica Simpson and the ill-fated Newlyweds series? She successfully achieved dull and embarrassing in one foul swoop. It’s easy to laugh at her misfortune, but if in the same situation, I might slip up and confuse chicken and tuna myself.

He also talks about narrative. His first book is written in a narrative, essay form. The moviemakers discuss how narrative isn’t engaging for an audience. They can’t get inside your head. They quickly lose interest when they can’t engage. It made me think about my narrative. I don’t know about you, but the voice inside my head is my most cherished companion. It laughs with me when I see an arrogant, toolbox of a guy trip on his ego. She helps me get rid of the red hue that sprays across my cheeks when what I intended to say and the actual words crash in a destructive mess of words and subsequent hand motions. She rehearses the important deliveries and pumps me up when I need an extra dose of courage. She reminds me that although my thighs are not as small as the girl working out in front of me, I am here working out and not sitting on the couch at home investing my evening into a sea of Ben and Jerry’s. She helps me to rationalize situations that would cause me to react poorly. She helps me make it through tough encounters with people I don’t want to see. She rolls her eyes internally so I can restrain myself from being impolite on a blind date. She prays deeply and loves freely. She is vulnerable. She cries when she hears songs that tell a story. She’s great. But I think the moviemakers are right. The audience doesn’t get to see all that. That comes when you are in relationship with someone. You can’t expect to know all there is to know about someone from a movie, or even a book or a blog. I think the gift of relationship is meeting their narrative and becoming part of their story.

I’m only a few chapters in…Dangit Don!