If there is one character trait that I could eradicate from my being, it would have to be my crabbiness. Yes, I said it. Does admitting the fact that I have some crabbiness in me, give me any points? Like GI Joe says, "Knowing is half the battle". Can I be given a tiny bit of credit? Maybe? Just a tidge? I didn't think so.
A few weeks ago I had my first meeting with the team I'll be traveling to China with in July. We were having a great discussion on how to be servants to one another and the Chinese teachers we'll be partnering with as we teach summer camp. I blurted out, "I should make a shirt that says, "Keep your crabby at home". This t-shirt would soley serve as a reminder to myself. The idea came from a statement I heard about ten years ago in college. The summer after my freshman year I particpated in a cross-country tour with a group of students. We had a couple of purposes, but mainly we served as ambassadors to our college. "YAY, We are happy, smiling, perfect Christians! Come to our school. Give money to our school!" The problem was I wasn't happy, smiley all the time. We put on a show every night complete with lights, set, music and dancing. We ate countless potluck feasts handmade by congregation members named Hilda and Gertrude. Incidentally Hilda and Gertrude like to guilt-trip you into seconds and thirds and think that everyone is too skinny. We slept in the homes of Gertrude and Hilda's kids or cousins or neighbors. We travel in a van all day and eat bag lunches made by...you guessed it Gertrude and Hilda. It was like Christian Road Rules on...Testamints!
Needless to say, when you are with the same group of people day in and day out for months at a time, I don't care who you are, the gloves come off! One morning I just wasn't feeling it and before my backside even found the worn bench seat of the van, I rose my right hand with an air of attitude and said, "Fair warning everyone, I'm having a crabby day today". I thought this warning would protect me from cutesy small talk, pranks, and all other shenanigans that I normally participated in. One of my friends and fellow tour members totally derailed my plan, my wall, my fortress of crab. Dan was a football player with the voice of a Disney prince. I'm serious. You can't help but listen to this guy and feel rebuked and comforted all at the same time. What? Dan says (in his hero-esque voice), "Dana, you know, crabbiness is a choice." My facial expression I'm sure spelled out my disgust in letters that Disney corp. will never use. He continued, "Everyday I wake up and I have a choice to be crabby or not". CRAP!!!!! It made sense, but it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I thought I'd written myself a free ticket out of relationship at least for a few hours by my declaration of crabbiness. And I was pretty sure the whole van heard "Deep Thoughts from Dan". Ugh! I'm caught! I have to choose to not be crabby.
I recently went on a trip to CA with some dear friends from college, two of which were in that van on that 'day of reckoning' years ago. As I knew it would, crabby came to the surface like an explosive volcano (that how she works with me). It spewed all over my friends and I may have spouted a curse word or two. Immediately a wave of disappointment and guilt washed over me. I pushed crabby away, but the damage had already been done. It only takes minutes. Thankfully these friends love me and forgive me, but I couldn't take back my immature display or the words I had said.
What happens when we let our crabby infest those who don't know us at all? Those whom we are called to love? Can we simply say, "Oops...Sorry, I was having a crabby day"? What kind of an excuse is that? Really. I've tried to forget that day in the van many a time. I want an excuse. I don't want to be responsible for my actions ALL the time. But I can't shake it. We do have a choice to be crabby or not and the choice that we make affects so much more than we can see.
I know I'm not perfect and I'm sure crabby will make a cameo appearance on the China trip, but I pray that I can make a choice to stop her instead of feed her.
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I have recently come to grips that I am a person who loves the word "Both." I hate ordering at resturants because I'd usually want a sampler platter of everything. When asked on a first date once if I wanted the Fat Tire or the Guiness, I said "Both" and made him share both with me.
The reason is, often times when you are split between two things - often both is best.
Crabby is a choice. But fighting your anatomy is too. I have a dear friend that I traveled with recently. She emotionally bit me on our trip too. We have been friends for five years now, and I just KNOW that this is an area of weakness for her. She was really upset when she apologized - and I forgave her like it was nothing. Because I KNOW HER. I know how she gets sometimes, I know that she fights it, and I know that she hates it.
So, I say both. Yes, it is a choice. But also yes, the reality is that you might choose to fight it and lose. It's reality. Let those around you love you even when you lose.
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